Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
About Literature / Hobbyist ChrisMale/United States Recent Activity
Deviant for 2 Years
Needs Core Membership
Statistics 2 Deviations 106 Comments 313 Pageviews
×

Critiques

A good act of friendship by Pandramodo

I, for one, thought it was good and humorous. The one thing I have to nitpick is the speech bubbles. It somewhat confused me in the sec...

Newest Deviations

Favourites

No Favourites yet.

Watchers

No watchers yet.

Groups

This user is not currently part of any groups.

Activity



Chapter 1: Twilight Sparkle

 

                Spike awakens in his bed next to Twilight. He gets up and hops onto Twilight’s bed, but she isn’t there? So he goes and looks for her. He finds her by Nightfall’s side, lying next to him with her wing extended over him.

 

Spike: Twilight?

Twi: Oh, hey Spike *Yawn* how are you today?

Spike: Great… How about him?

Twi: I don’t know…

Spike: Oh?

Twi: I think we’ll have to bring him to the hospital soon Spike, it’s been two days now. Another day and well, he might not make it…

Spike: Are you kidding? Under your care he’ll be awake before you know it!

Twi: I’d like to believe that but I’m not a nurse or a doctor, and my castle isn’t a hospital so how could I make him better?

Spike: Well that backfired?

Twi: I’m sorry for being such a sour pony but I just don’t want to hurt him more than he already is!

Spike: Wait! I think I have an idea!

Twi: What?

Spike: What about Fluttershy? She recently got her nursing license right?

Twi: But that’s only for animals not Ponies?

Spike: Yeah but she had to learn about nursing, how is nursing a Pony any different from an ordinary animal?

Twi: Well, it is a little risky to have a veterinarian nurse a Pony back to health? ...But I guess it will do?

Spike: Do you want me to get her then?

Twi: Mm… Well it’s for the best… Fine, I really don’t want him to move anyway, who knows if he has any internal injuries?

Spike: Alright, I’ll be back in a jiffy Twilight, you can count on it!

 

                Spike rushes through the corridors and hallways and out of the castle. He dashes down the road toward Fluttershy’s house. When he gets there he sees a note on the door.

 

                                                “Dear esteemed visitor,

 

If you are reading this I am not home right now.

I have been asked by my good friend Applejack to tend to her cattle today.

I hope you understand and I am sorry for the inconvenience.

 

PS - I’m sorry!

PPS – I’m sorry for being sorry and I apologize for that.”

 

Spike: Really? It’s the same meaning? Oh wait, that means she’s at Sweet Apple Acre’s! Alright, I have to get Fluttershy no matter what!

 

                Spike makes his way toward Sweet Apple Acre’s. After a few minutes he finally makes it to his destination. He makes his way over to the corral and spots Fluttershy with Applejack and Rainbow Dash.

 

Spike: Huff… Flutter…*Gasps* Shy…

AJ: Oh hey there Spike, haven't seen you in a couple days!

Dash: Yeah what up?

Spike: Flutter...shy… Twilight…*Cough*

AJ: You look like you just run a mile against a buffalo on skates?

Dash: Yeah you really need to get in shape dude.

Spike: FLUTTERSHY!!!

Fluts: Ah-huh!

Spike: Fluttershy, Twilight needs you and now!

Fluts: W-why now?

AJ: Yeah Spike, Fluttershy here is tending my cattle.

Spike: She has to come, it’s urgent!

AJ: Well I guess if the Princess says so we have to cooperate.

Spike: C’mon Applejack you know it isn’t like that, she just needs help.

Dash: I guess I’ll go too, I’m bored anyway.

AJ: So what's this all about anyway?

Spike: I'll explain when we get there, right now Twilight needs Fluttershy and fast!

 

                The group make their way to the castle and go to the room where Twilight and Nightfall are.

 

Spike: You’re not going to believe this when you see it but he needs help.

AJ: He?

Fluts: Oh I want to see the poor creature, I want to nurse him and make him feel loved.

Spike: Fluttershy, he isn’t really a normal animal.

AJ: What in the hay is that supposed to mean, now you’re just talking non-sense Spike.

 

                They enter the room and find Twilight lying next to Nightfall.

 

Twi: Spike, uh I thought you were only bringing Fluttershy?

Dash: What the heck!?

AJ: Twi, who the hay is he?

Twi: I know what you're thinking, but he needs help.

Fluts: What? B-but I only nurse animals not Ponies?

Twi: Fluttershy, please, I need you because he’s very hurt. I know he isn’t a mouse or bird but you are the only one who knows how to properly nurse animals, so how is a Pony any different?

Fluts: Actually they’re very different—but I can try to help him if that’s what you want…

Twi: Thank you Fluttershy, you’re a life saver, sorry for dragging you into this.

Fluts: No problem Twilight, you’re always kind to me!

 

                Two more days pass, Twilight becomes more and more anxious to find out the fate of the Stallion. As she and Fluttershy look over him they can only fear the worst. Fluttershy enters the room and finds Twilight crying over the Stallion.

 

Fluts: Twilight, what’s wrong!?

Twi: I don’t know what to do? I didn’t want to move him because I was afraid I would rupture something. Now I fear I may have cost this Stallion his life because I didn’t give him the proper medical care!

Fluts: Oh—so you think I’m not the proper caretaker?

Twi: No Fluttershy you’re amazing but…he really needed a hospital and I didn’t bring him to one. If he passes it will be all my fault! It isn’t the first time my foolishness has cost the suffering of Ponies?

Fluts: Now wait just a moment, Twilight Sparkle! Saying that is like saying we all failed! I myself, Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, and Rainbow Dash were always there with you when you had failed at something! And what’s worse you only failed once! If this Stallion does not live it will be our fault, understand?

Twi: *Sniffles* Yes, thank you Fluttershy. I’m sorry I said that!

Fluts: That’s okay, I’m here for you.

 

                I hear voices next to me? Whose are they I wonder? I begin to open my eyes and see a young Unicorn sitting next to me. She hasn’t noticed me yet so I try to make a noise, but I’m so weak I don’t think I can even talk.

 

Nightfall: Errm!

Twi: *Gasps* Y-you’re awake!? Fluttershy he’s awake!

Fluts: He is!

Twi: Sir, can you hear me?

Night: ...mhm…

Twi: Good, do you need anything? Are you in pain?

Night: …yes…and—no… Water!

Twi: Oh yes, here you go!

 
                 She levitates a pitcher and pours water into a glass. She then puts it up to my lips tilting a little. As I drink I feel the water dripping down my jaw and my neck.


Night: Thank you! You’re a life saver!

Twi: Thanks but it was really my friend Fluttershy who nursed you while you were unconscious.

Night: Well…thank you both—then.

Fluts: You’re very welcome! You poor, poor Stallion! Who did this to you?

Twi: Yeah, where did you come from? Are you some liaison or agent from Princess Celestia’s Special Task Forces?

Night: Who is—Princess Celestia?

Twi: It’s okay, remember I’m a Princess too! If you are from a Task Force then you’ll be fine, no need to cover up your identity.

Night: I don’t know who you are or who Celestia is?

Fluts: Twilight I think he’s telling the truth?

Twi: But if he doesn’t know anything about me or Celestia then...? Where did you come from if I may ask?

Night: ...I don’t know? Everything is just so...hazy, I just want to rest.

Twi: But…

Fluts: Now Twilight, we should go and leave him alone. He needs to rest up, how else will he feel better if we’re bothering him?

Twi: Alright, I guess we will talk some more tomorrow.

Night: Sounds nice.

Twi: Bye!

Fluts: Good-bye sir, you rest up now and regain your strength.

 

                I turn onto my side and close my eyes, tomorrow is another day.

Moonview
Chapter 1 of my fan-fiction.

This one is about Twilight caring for Nightfall, with a little help. Chapter two will be based more on his current condition and recovery.

Image Link: www.deviantart.com/art/Stained…
Loading...

Mature Content


or, enter your birth date.


Month

Day

Year*
Please enter a valid date format (mm-dd-yyyy)
Please confirm you have reviewed DeviantArt's Terms of Service below.
* We do not retain your date-of-birth information.

Man: Tell me, do you ever feel calm when a full moon passes the horizon?

Girl: Yes…

 

                The water is on fire? The smoke is…unbearable but I don’t care. Have I really changed that much? I don’t care?

 

*KA-BOOM*

Sailor: Major! The enemy submarine is gone!

Plat: Good, is everyone accounted for?

 

                That’s me Major Plat of the United States Marine Corps. I was promoted to Major after the enemy started using guerilla tactics against the US and the Allies. As a result entire divisions were left stranded after they killed them off. I got a call from the POTUS saying I was the only highest ranked soldier leading a battle group not under enemy fire in the area. When she told me I was to move north to try and break the stalemate between us and them I didn’t know what to do! As I traveled the long journey over ridged mountainous terrain I came across a lot of the abandoned units, stuck not knowing the enemy had left. So I made them join my unit. Over 100,000 military units were left leaderless and unable to contact their commanders or the nearest base. I led them and together we broke the stalemate, thus turning the war in our favor. And I am only 23 years of age.

    I became a Marine when I was 15. I don’t want to go too deep into details now so I’ll save that story for later. I used to have a family but they were taken away from me! They were taken because of one mans’ ambition to rule the world. Is my story about revenge? No I had already sought that, but that’s for another time also. Anyway let’s get back to the story, hmm?

 

Sailor: Yes, sir! They are all accounted for, 200 sailors and marines survived!

Plat: Then let’s go, we need to get off this ship before it sinks.

 

                As we make our way to the Captain I can’t help but feel very uneasy. As if something will happen to me and only me. I don’t let my mind get the better of me so I go to the one thing that I believe guided me through this whole ordeal. Although smoke and the fog-of-war threatens to blot her out I still see her peering through. Though something about her feels off? It feels as though she is trying to reach out to me.

 

Plat: Luna please guide me to prosperity and send me your Will so that I may continue fighting for another day!

                I reach the Captain at the quarterdeck.

Capt.: Major? These are all that are left?

Plat: Yes…unfortunately.

Capt.: Well it’s better than nothing, come on.

Plat: Let’s go, move it! Get onto the Honest Abe!

                Honest Abe is a nickname for the USS Abraham Lincoln, it’s a type of Super Aircraft Carrier called the Advanced Rawlings Class or XRC.

Capt.: You should go too, Major?

Plat: No, Officers leave last.

               

                A few minutes pass and the last sailor crosses over to the aircraft carrier. I see one more person who is severely wounded.

 

Plat: I got him, get onto the Honest Abe.

Capt.: Major?

Plat: I said go Captain, you’re more important than I am!

 

                I grab the last sailor and get him onto the bridge crossing both ships. As I get him over I see something swimming coming toward me and the sinking ship. Before it hits I realize that I’m done for.

 

Sailor: Torpedo!

*MA-MA-MA-MA-MICHEAL BAY!**EXPLOSIONS*

                I am tossed into the ocean like a ragdoll.

Capt.: Major!

*KA-SPLOOSH*

 

                As I sink further into the ocean I begin to collect myself. Remembering what had happened I finally regain myself and try to swim up to the water’s surface but I can feel myself being dragged further into the depths. I think it’s my gear and I turn to detach it all until I come face-to-face with a horrifying sight. It seems I am be pulled into a black hole or a portal of some kind? I detach my gear and try to swim for my life but as I do I feel myself begin to lose consciousness. As I grow weaker I feel myself falling closer to this mysterious hole. Before I close my eyes I see the moon and an awry image appears upon its surface.

 

Selene: Artemis Plat? You have been loyal to me for quite some time. You had always believed that I would guide you and therefore I have. I must admit that I have fallen for such a brilliant and noble man such as yourself…but…t’was never meant to be. That is why I am sending you somewhere else, somewhere safe. Somewhere you belong, and where a youth like me is in need of the same affection you’ve shown to me. When you awake you will no longer be known as Artemis Plat, nor will you remember your family name or anything from this world. No instead you will be known as—Nightfall. Nightfall Glisten will be your new name. And as for your form, I will bestow you a body relevant for your new home. Good-bye…Nightfall!

 

               

 

 

 

 

    I wake up inside of a castle ruin, as I struggle to stand on my hooves I see my gear. I think to myself and try to remember exactly what happened to me, all that comes to mind is how I was thrown into the ocean by an explosion. Weak I start to make my way outside the ruin. When I do all I see is dense forest? I sigh in defeat but trek on anyway, Marines don’t quit after all. After an entire day of maneuvering through the forest I finally find myself civilization. I clearly see that it must be very late for I see no stores are open and there are no people present, and most of the lights are off. I see a peculiar sight to behold, a gargantuan tree that glistens in the moonlight. It seems like it may be someone’s home so I make my way toward it. I grow fainter and start to lose both my equilibrium and consciousness but I must keep going.

 

                We see Twilight Sparkle and Spike packing some bags as if to travel somewhere.

Spike: C’mon Twilight can we just ditch the bags and just go?

Twi: No Spike, Princess Luna invited us and our friends to watch the meteor shower tonight, besides I want to calculate when the next one will be? Oh I can’t wait!

Spike: You know you could always just ask Princess Luna if you could use some paper and protractors and even a telescope or EVERYTHING ELSE IN YOUR LIBRARY!

Twi: Oh come now Spike I know… *Gasp*

 

                Twilight’s horn begins to glow and pulse magic.

 

Spike: Twilight, why is your horn doing that?

Twi: Remember how I put a timed barrier around the castle?

Spike: Yeah?

Twi: Well it’s supposed to warn me if somebody is outside, just as a precaution for nighttime. This place is so big I wouldn’t be able to hear anypony if they were to knock late at night or intrude.

Spike: Well shouldn’t we see who’s there then?

Twi: Yes, let’s go!

 

                Spike hops onto Twilight and she gallops through the castle. Through a hallway, down the stairs, through another hallway, past the throne room, and finally into the castle Foyer (Foi-yay).

 

Twi: Oo, I’m so excited! I’ve never had somepony with a problem come to me for advice this late at night!

Spike: Well that sounded a little creepy?

                Twilight gives Spike a scornful glare.

Spike: What? That was a weird thing to say?

Twi: Ugh, Boys? Anyway let’s see who it is!

 

                Twilight opens the door and finds Nightfall on the ground.

 

Twi: Hello there citizen, come insi-AHH!

Spike: What is it? Whoa…? He doesn’t look so good?

Nightfall: Please… Help…me… Please!

Twi: Omigosh, Spike send a letter to Princess Luna, tell her we can’t come tonight!

Spike: But what about him?

Twi: Just do it! Hurry!

Spike: Okay!

 

                As I begin to black out I see the strange girl stand over me. It feels as if I had gone airborne, so I black out. I hear her sweet voice one more time.

 

Twi: Don’t worry…whoever you are, wherever you came from, you’re safe now!

Chapter End.

Moonview
What can I say, it's a Pony fan fiction?[FLUTTERSHY INTENSIFIES] 

Anyway it is a story about a mans' transfer into Equestria. Twilight Sparkle & Friends and even the Princesses are set with the mysterious Stallion known as Nightfall Glisten. As the story progresses you will see the mysteries that follow Nightfall unfold and you will even see an epic chain of events in which Nightfall will be set against villains and life.

NOTE: This fan fiction is NOT the only thing I will be writing. If anything it is a story I will work on from time to time if I get bored and feel like writing but not one of my other stories. So DO NOT expect this story to be a constant thing, I may not upload a chapter that often. Thank you for understanding and /).

Preview Image: www.deviantart.com/art/Stained…
Loading...
I, for one, thought it was good and humorous. The one thing I have to nitpick is the speech bubbles. It somewhat confused me in the second frame with whom was speaking. As a suggestion maybe place something that guides the reader to know who is speaking, colored font just doesn't do it for me. Overall I think you caught Starlight's dark side nicely and the plot was set nicely. Artwork is clean, nice shading and shadowing. Every background in every frame is different and doesn't have too much negative space, You can identify where the characters are. And the style fits the comical aspect.

Journal

No journal entries yet.

deviantID

datflyboi's Profile Picture
datflyboi
Chris
Artist | Hobbyist | Literature
United States
I am a fantasy writer who is actually working to be an author soon. I write dark fantasy and I mean VERY dark evil stuff. That's just how my mind is. The story I am currently working on I started developing my senior year in high school and it's been 3 years since then. I've been writing it for a year now but I occasionally take breaks and write something that would be either a fan fiction or from pure brain power. I do keep my fanfics and short stories to myself though, just in case I need inspiration so you might not find any of my work here on deviantart.com.
Interests

AdCast - Ads from the Community

Comments


Add a Comment:
 
No comments have been added yet.

Add a Comment: